Tanks and the first day of April
So over on the Radio War Nerd community facebook group the co-host Mark Ames asked me directly if I had seen these new plans from UralVagonZavod for an assault gun variant of the T-90. Ostensibly it was to allow for fixed anti-drone defences and to eliminate the kaboom properties of the ammunition carousel in the turreted T-90.
In my defence it was 6am on April second here in Australia and I’d just woken up as I typed out an enthusiastic reply:
“Thanks Mark Ames this looks like similar reasoning to Von Manstein inventing the Stug III (the most successful fighting vehicle of WW2) which lead to the Soviet SU series (pictured SU-152), all without turrets.
The cost benefit reward of turrets has been on the table since the first British tanks rumbled across the Somme (with no turrets)
The “bomb” in the middle of the tank bit is more complicated.
The specific Russian style of autoloaders that have been around since T-64 have not one but two huge problems in 2025 (which is a good 70 year run for a technology!).
1) They have to go anyway because the folding two part ammunition system halves the potential length of the lawn dart they spit out the muzzle (the penetrator in technical parlance). With current gun physics and armour physics longer is better, and the reason guns haven’t gotten bigger in decades is because they can’t get around the physical limits of the penetrators.
2) in terms of the ammo carousel exploding and popping the turret off it’s extremely significant that the German leopards also have vulnerable ammo storage (different but also vulnerable), they’re not exploding in Ukraine because they use insensitive chemistry which only goes boom in more controlled circumstances (ie, in the cannon breach after an ignition sequence). If the Russians had the chemistry they could stop the kabooms without changing design. (Strong caveat that all tanks still get knocked out but without launching their turrets into low orbit)
What we’re seeing here though is that by deleting the turret (bit cheeky to blame that on Kharkov) you can simplify the autoloader (not trying to draw ammo up through a spinning turret basket) while also getting longer penetrators.
Whether passive slatted armour is the best drone solution v. where the Germans appear to be going; with an AI driven 30mm autocannon spitting proximity fused high explosive schrapnel at anything moving in its airspace remains to be seen.
This design is also getting to the heart of what tanks are supposed to do. If they’re rumbling up in company with the infantry and blasting enemy strong points then an assault gun removes a lot of complications.
If your vision is the modern cavalry slashing across difficult terrain to cut through enemy lines (like a latter day fox hunting club) then a turret is still needed.
The problem with the cavalry romance is no one seems to ask how to fuel trucks are supposed to meet up with them.
Big Serge’s latest on the need to pinch the shoulders of attacks rather than blunt the thrust is excellent. If the enemy wants to fight their way into a trap don’t interrupt them.
The tanks the Russians took into Ukraine were mostly built for charging across the North German plain and pushing to the channel before the nukes could fly.
What they’ve found they’ve been using them for is the assault gun role, and this new design is an evolved assault gun.”
Fortunately Rob was alert to the perils of this time of year before we unthinkingly packaged it into the upcoming show (12 April). I double checked with Mark and it turned out that it was in fact an April Fools. (Oh and the Big Serge reference is to this article)
Behold I am a foolish fool
Which illustrates the perils of the ancient practice (possibly dating back to the 1300’s) of April Fools in an era of multiple time zones and online material that takes days, months, and years to disseminate.
Fortunately I am not alone in my foolishness. As luck would have it friend of the show Nicholas “The Chieftain” Moran has just released a video on the long afterlife as fact of his own effort to play the fool back in 2014.
Anyway, in terms of the dumbest things I’ve done being fooled on April 2 doesn’t even make the top 100.
On the bright side I didn’t fall for this one, unlike the 1,000 or so commenters and nearly a hundred folks who shared it.
And here at Totally Tanked we have indulged is such foolishness back in 2022, although I would argue we did it with more style and panache and less humiliation of our victims.
Stay safe.
John
Upcoming livestream: Bradley - A real tank killer
Coming up on 12 April we're controversially taking on a very tank-like vehicle that folks will scream at us is not a tank.
Despised by the Reformers, reviled by Hollywood. The Bradley was a vehicle that would prove its worth in real fighting.
Set your notifications at: https://www.youtube.com/live/ARgRXq49XJs
And if you haven't watched The Pentagon Wars lately; it's free and on YouTube, and we will be talking about it, A lot.
Can anyone guess the April tank?
What vehicle will we be featuring in April 2025?
Leave a guess in the comments!
Everyone loves Tigers
Peter from Metal Art Creations Kalbarri has sent in this great pic of his tiger, while also sporting our Tiger T-shirt!
He explained his work thusly:
“a 1:3 scale Tiger 1 built entirely from metal scrap and repurposed farm machinery (I’m a metal sculptor....check out Metal Art Creations Kalbarri on Facebook). Wheels are 4x4 disc rotors, track is drag chain from the local lime plant reconfigured, gun barrel is a truck tail shaft, cupola is the bottom rim from a household LPG gas bottle etc etc.”
Contact Peter at the link above if you want a Tiger of your own, alternatively, you can get our T-shirt (or the design on lots of other things) at: https://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/98166888?asc=u
Stalin’s Hotrods - The Soviet BT Tanks
In the interwar period the Soviets went hard on tank production, and a tank the communists took to war from Spain to Manchuria was the BT series, with suspension from an American racecar designer, a 500 horsepower engine, and a whopping (for the time) 45mm gun.
Come join us as we explore a machine that killed fascists long before the war began.
The episode also features an interview with Kurt from the Australian Museum of Armour and Artillery.
M103 - The last american heavies
The USA had one last go at a heavy tank before settling on the MBT concept. It was not to the Army's liking but the Marines wanted as much tank as they could put ashore.
In this episode we will explore the design, development and deployment of the last American Heavy.
Crusader - Bad to the bone
In Britain's darkest hour they turned to the industrial genius of William Morris and he gave them the Crusader tank. It was not the tank they needed, it was not the tank they deserved, but it was the tank they got.
The promised the link to Mike Pezullo's article is at: https://www.aspistrategist.org.au/
CV-90 Fire from ice
Up there in the North the Swedes have been busy making a tracked IFV that includes a variant with a 120mm cannon, in the face of its wide exports and extensive use in modern conflicts it's time to take a look!
PT76 - When tanks go jetboating
Before the decadent west used jet boats to carry screaming tourists up shallow rivers the Soviet Union was using the technology to drive light tanks across lakes, rivers, and even the high seas.
In this episode we'll explore one of the most exported tanks of the cold war, a glass cannon that could always make its way to more trouble than it could handle, the PT-76!
Tiger II - Putting the Gott in Gotterdamerung
Tiger II, King Tiger, Konigstiger, the biggest of the big cats.
A tank that only makes sense if you are surrounded, low on fuel, and running out of men… And yet… what a beast!
This episode also features an interview with @motheroftanks
Heavies - The end of the line
At the end of the Second World War every army wanted super heavy tanks.
And then, as they trialled the prototypes, they changed their minds. In this episode we'll be looking at the tanks that barely were which still command attention in tank museums around the world. This is the tale of the early cold war heavy tanks.
T-62 - The Big Guns
What could have been an incremental improvement on the legendary T-55 instead became a revolutionary tank as a string of weird co-incidences and sliding doors moments lead to a the end of cannon rifling and the invalidation of steel armour.
Todays western tanks with their composite armours and smooth bore cannons are the response to the Soviets development of the T-62, a tank we're going to get to know a whole lot better in this episode!
Panzer 38(T) - The Stolen Spearpoint
When "German Militaria Enthusiasts" gather they are strangely coy about what tank carried the Wehrmacht to its greatest successes.
Because it wasn't a German tank, it was a Czech one, the Panzer 38(t). In this episode we'll be talking about how this little Czech tank humbled France and laid waste to the Soviet Union.
TR-85 - The Romanian Bison
With over 600 produced the TR-85 is one of the more widely produced tanks in service today. In this episode we will get to the bottom of what the Romanians have been up to with this vehicle!
And who knows what Rob will do with sourcing an appropriate beer!
Renault FT-17 - The mother of tanks
In the rapid evolution of the tank in the First World War there is one nation that figured out what to make and how to make it. That nation was France.
Combining a turreted main armament with a firewalled engine bay the Renault FT17 set the direction for future of the tank.
Built in huge numbers, operated by a veritable League of Nations, and staying in service for decades, it is a tank that deserves study and understanding.
M48 Patton - American Steel
In 1950 the US Army needed a tank for Götterdämmerung, a world consuming battle against the Soviet hordes anticipated to flood through Fulda Gap and the North German plains. It's 2024 and we're here because that conflict never came.
But the M48, the last of a series of tanks to bear the Patton name, would go on to fight major tank battles in the service of many armies, and would represent the US in Vietnam.
C1 Ariete - Ferrari or Fiat?
In the 1980s Italy looked on the tanks of the world and asked: "How hard can this be?"
The result was the C1 Ariete, and Totally Tanked is going to drink some fine Italian beer and have a good look at it, and other things going on in the realm of tanks.
Cromwell - The cat food
In 1944 the British unveiled what should have been the best tank in the world and it was... not.
In this episodes we'll unpick the numerous disasters of industrial policy which lead to the Cromwell, and a happy time for Germany's big cats.
Type 99 - The red wave
Totally Tanked roared into 2024 with a close look at the top of the line Chinese Type 99.
There was also a beer review and a look at tanks in conflict around the world.
M24 Chaffee - The Voting Machine
When there was voting to be done in the doomed nation of South Vietnam the Chaffees turned up to make sure people voted as others intended they do.
The light tank designed to fight in WW2 became known as "The Voting Machines".
With a powerful cannon in a light chassis the M24 Chaffee went to a lot of places and did a lot of exciting things.